Life Beyond "Us and Them"

For a long time now it’s been getting more and more challenging to come up with clear themes to write about related to Active Peace. There’s so many possibilities and, at the same time, there’s so much already being written and said. I already wrote my book and I don’t like to repeat myself. But the main complicating factor is the seeming difficulty of writing in a way that does justice to paradox - that doesn’t paint pictures either black or white, positive or negative; that doesn’t fall prey to labeling and shoulding; or assume certain outcomes.

The omnipresent nature of paradox is one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned. Paradox is like the polarity, the yin and yang, the chaos and order, that holds the world together. And since it’s part of the Big Picture, holding paradox is a potent practice.

With so many options swirling around as possible themes for this poignant moment in time and history, I want to thank the rain and the refreshing coolness of this autumn morning for the theme that follows.

Laying in bed listening to the first good rain of autumn, I started reflecting on the power of we thinking as a remedy, a contrast, to us and them thinking.

I recently read an excellent piece on the mass murder happening in Gaza and the complicity of the U.S. The author was obviously outraged as are so many. He concluded with the remark that we are so obviously “not all in this together,” suggesting it’s naive to even think that way. It was a conclusion that, for me, undermined a lot of the power of everything I had just read prior. Why bother reading it at all, or even caring, if we’re not all in it together?  

In fact, my bearing witness to the horrific death and destruction in Gaza, the aftermath of massive hurricanes and droughts, the latest political assassination in Mexico, or the harsh sentencing and imprisonment of climate activists in the U.K., all affirm my sense of not being separate from any of it.

The great paradox, of course, is that there are obvious ways in which we are not together, that we are divided, while at the same time, we are indivisibly one species, one humanity and, when we look deeply enough, it’s clear that we are all in it together, inextricably linked in a single, all-inclusive reality with all its beauty, joy and wonder, mixed in with the injustice, insanity, and violence.

In a wounded, traumatized world divisiveness and us and them thinking (along with us versus them thinking) is the automatic default. I’m certainly no exception and so, I found it potent and humbling to soften my grip on us and them thinking this morning. 

At a time when the need for action, for using our voices is so clear. When there are obvious distinctions to be made between worldviews and policies. When so much is at stake, what happens when we thinking overshadows division even for a moment?

I notice that it doesn’t make me apathetic, paralyzed, or wishy-washy. It doesn’t even soften my edges. What is does do is help me see the bigger picture—that we are all in it together, that we are all in recovery—and that changes everything.

Appreciating the depth of the woundedness and trauma resulting from the illusion of separateness helps support that shift. I covered this in an earlier post which drew heavily from my book. I have learned that some things are worth repeating!

It helps to remember our innate vulnerability, both personal and collective, and that in the end, we are not entitled to anything. It’s humbling to realize that humanity too is an endangered species now.

It helps to remember, as Gandhi taught, that even with all the violence in the world, nonviolence is much more the norm of human behavior. We’re immersed in acts of nonviolence—love, care, respect, etc.—to such a degree that we don’t even notice it. We notice the violence, the hate, the demonization that falls outside the norm.

I helps to remember one of the great paradoxes that neuroscience has taught us - that we are wired for self preservation AND for deep, empathic connection. We can now see perhaps more clearly than ever that interpersonal connections and relationships are essential to our personal and collective preservation. This is where the life is and what a livable future depends on.

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.  — Mother Teresa

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